Day 138

BLONDE AWARENESS DAY: BEWARE OF THE BLONDE MOMENTS

Do not change the channel, this is a test of the EMERGENCY BLONDE SYSTEM. If this had been an actual BLONDE emergency, you would have received instructions as to where to go and what to do. We will return you to your regularly scheduled BLONDE programming…

I swear that is the warning that goes through my mind when I feel my mind slipping. It usually happens when I haven’t had my coffee or I’m flustered. My mind gets all fuzzy and I can’t think straight. I can literally feel myself having what many people refer to as “blonde moments.” I think these are the same as “senior moments,” but they happen to younger people who are blonde. You forget something momentarily or you have a brain jumble. Sometimes I just can’t wrap my brain around certain things.

In my line of work, it’s really about creative problem solving. Someone needs a blue shirt, but the only shirts the vendor has in stock are red. I guess you have to find a different vendor, or figure out how soon this vendor can get you blue shirts. It’s like a freaking SAT problem where Jimmy leaves Station A at 10:20am on a train going 50 mph, and Ted leaves Station B at 11:00am on a train going 75 mph; When would their trains cross? I think just typing that sentence gave me a headache.

I know that all this “blonde moment” bullshit is in my mind, but aye, there is the rub. It’s already been planted in my mind, so how can I un-plant it? It’s like reverse inception (that’s called “extraction,” you dumb blonde!). The whole dumb blonde myth that our society perpetuates is ridiculous. I know it and you know it, but there are still blonde jokes and even now, as a blonde, I use my blonde-ness as an excuse for things. That’s not really fair, but I can’t really believe that I can single-handedly change society. I’m not that diluted. Or am I dialated? Just kidding – blonde moment.

Today gets 4 Barbie Warhols:

Day 137

This morning I was able to work from home for a bit and it was lovely. I forgot how much I miss having mornings to myself (well, me and the cat). I took the time to make myself breakfast, something that I absolutely never do when I’m working. I still sent emails and made calls from home, but it was nice to do it all while still in my pajamas for a change. I’m really glad that I took the time because I didn’t stop at all today - not even to eat. It was an exhausting day, but rewarding.

I think you know that you like your job when you work really hard all day and despite the fact that you’re tired, sore, and hungry, you can’t really complain about the work itself. I could bitch all day about one person doing this or another person saying that, but the work itself is rewarding. I may not be teaching children, feeding the hungry, or saving the planet, but I like my job. The entertainment industry can be an awful place, and I think a lot of people think it’s a waste of time and money, but it serves a purpose. TV, books, movies, magazines, and music reach a wider audience than even I can even fathom, so what better medium to use to spread awareness about certain issues? Tell compelling stories that make you think? “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.” I like to think of movies and books and things the same way. I could work at a homeless shelter or teach school children, but perhaps I can reach a wider audience with movies and books. Not to devalue teachers or other service workers, I’m in competition with no one.

What does all this have to do with being blonde? It may seem strange, but because I’m so very aware of my external appearance and how others perceive me physically, I instinctively conclude what they must think of me as a person. “How does she contribute to society?” is a question that in my brain goes hand in hand with “why did she wear that skirt with those combat boots?” It may seem crazy, but that’s how the neuron transmitters in my brain are wired. I have serious difficulty separating how I am perceived physically from how I’m perceived mentally, socially, logically. And not just how I am perceived, but most importantly how I perceive myself.

I wonder if the only way to truly know and/or experience this distinction without prejudice would be to be blind. However, you could then argue that if you weren’t blind your entire life, you could still, theoretically have these societal norms ingrained in you. It’s all very complicated and my addled BLONDE brain can’t be bothered to sort it out anymore today.

Today gets 4 Barbie Warhols:

Day 136

Daria totally rocked the combat boots and skirt...

Today was a very busy day. I rocked the blonde like it was my job. I also rocked my combat boots with a skirt and it was the most bizarro outfit. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking when I woke up this morning. I think I love being eccentric sometimes.

It was one of those days when you can’t believe it’s only Tuesday. You get to the afternoon and you think that the things that happened in the morning took place last week. You lose concept of time and space and the day seems to last for an eternity. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s disconcerting and definitely a little off-putting.

Today gets 2 Barbie Warhols:

Day 135

BLONDES THAT ROCK: SUE ELLEN CRANDELL (from Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead)

Sue Ellen Crandell is the protagonist in the 1991 film Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead played by Christina Applegate. She’s an awesome blonde because she’s sassy and handles the dead of a heinous babysitter. Instead of doing the normal thing and reporting the death to the authorities and calling her mom, through a series of unfortunate and convenient setups, she takes on the role as the breadwinner for the family.

I can’t really believe how much she needs to pluck her eyebrows, but aside from that, she’s pretty hilarious. She gets a job at a uniform company and helps them put on a party or something that saves the day. Whatever. She’s 17 and manages to convince them that she’s older and capable and stuff.

Is this plot plausible at all? Not really. I don’t enjoy this movie because it could happen. I enjoy this movie because it’s funny and Sue Ellen is pretty funny, but her boss Rose takes the cake. “Sue Ellen, have you ever had a 48-hour orgasm?” “No, I’ve never been to Santa Barbara.” And no matter what, Sue Ellen has to say “Right on top of that, Rose.”

So why is Sue Ellen a rockin’ blonde? Basically because she’s saucy. She describes her work place nemesis as “mouse brown hair, gives you a headache? Talks like she’s chewing her face?” That’s pretty badass. She works well under pressure and manages to put on a successful event in her backyard after the kids blow all the petty cash. Oh, and did I mention there’s a love interest? Yeah, there’s that too. And David Duchovny is in this movie, too for some reason.

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 134

Today was a great day. I got my blonde touched up by my friend E. She’s great at hair. When I go to her salon to have my hair done, it’s like I forget that I’m getting my hair done. It’s just like hanging out with a friend. We talk and catch up, with a little shampoo and conditioner in between. It’s great. She made me look AWESOME.

After years of dyeing my own hair and trimming my own locks, you forget how great it is to be pampered. Let someone else do it. Sometimes, it’s important to treat yourself to a mani/pedi or a massage. I would never have thought that having someone else cut my hair would be put into the luxury category, but after years of not even thinking about it, it’s really nice to have someone who genuinely likes doing hair do your hair. Also, being blonde can be tricky business. It’s a lot of science to get it right, and there are some things that only trained professionals should do (like making shoes. You should definitely not try to make your own shoes. It ends badly).

Every time I get the BLONDE refreshed, I reassess the status of the social experiment. I have changed. Would I have changed regardless of my hair color? Probably, but there is no control group for this scenario, so I’m kind of doing some educated guessing. Would my normal, redheaded self get into the same predicaments? Perhaps. However, there are certain things that I think are distinctly BLONDE. Having to fight for people to think you’re smart. Having to get people to look you in the eye and not the boobs. Changing one aspect of my appearance has led me to more questions about myself as a person. It’s shocking how much I define myself by my physical appearance. I’m almost ashamed of my superficial tendencies. Maybe it’s all the time I’ve spent in Los Angeles, but I’m certainly more aware of my appearance now than I ever have been before. Being aware of my appearance doesn’t necessarily make me vain. It makes me conscious of my thoughts. I had feared that this process would make me vain and self-centered. And that blogging about my experiences would make me seem vapid and self-obsessed. I hope that it hasn’t, but if you think that, then why the fuck are you reading this? I think I’m happier as a blonde and I’m more willing to live in the land of the unknown. Not everything is planned and not everything is under your control. Some things will go horribly. Some things will go extraordinarily well. You can’t really tell and hair color probably isn’t a variable in these equations, but you never can tell. You really never can tell…

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols:

Day 133

TGIF. I never thought I would be so happy for it to be Friday. It seems like forever since I’ve had a day off and I’m really ready for the weekend. Even when I have a day off, it’s not really a day off since I have my own business to attend to… I have to do laundry, and clean the apartment, and catch up on my artistic endeavors… It’s actually quite a lot. I tend to get a bad wrap for not going out a lot, but it’s because I’m busy. If I’m not trying to catch up on housework, I’m making things for people or myself or I’m experimenting with a new artistic mediums (have you ever painted with both watercolors and oil paints? It’s a very interesting effect). Plus, there is a lot of TV to watch. Like, a lot.

I had to run to Staples this morning for work and the cashier told me to “Have a nice day,” to which I responded instinctively, “TGIF!” He looked at me like I was a crazy person and said, “What?” So I repeated myself, “T.G.I.F.” and he asked, “What does that mean?” I told him, “Thank goodness it’s Friday,” to which I got a “Oh.” It made me feel really old. Do kids not know about TGIF because ABC doesn’t air their Friday night lineup anymore? (and haven’t for like, 15 years?) I decided that it was him and not me since Katy Perry has a TGIF song out right now and all the young ‘uns are singing along to it.

I have a very distinct memory of watching TGIF on ABC while in a Marriott in Cincinnati, OH for one of my brother’s college graduation. We were in a suite and I think my sister and I were sharing the pull-out couch. We were watching Family Matters, Step by Step, and Boy Meets World while my dad and brothers were at a Reds game. Or it may have been rained out. I’m not sure. But I remember watching TV.

Anyway, TGIF!

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 132

BLONDE THINGS THAT ROCK: ANDY WARHOL

Andy Warhol was pretty awesome. I guess he was also weird, but most great artists are. He was blonde and a visionary (coincidence? I think not). He also happened to create some of the most iconic art of the 20^th century. The tomato soup can, MARILYN, the banana… he revolutionized pop art.

I love Andy Warhol because he was fearless. He created art in every medium. He was an eccentric, but I think that helped his vision. I could go on and on all day about my love and admiration for Mr. Warhol, but as I have to maintain a life of my own, I cannot. His art speaks for itself. And he was BLONDE.

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols: