Day 120

I lead a very strange life. Sometimes I’m doing something and I think to myself “How the FUCK did I get here?” Whether I’m shopping for underwear at a discount store in Inglewood, buying craft supplies to make a dog-themed roman shade, or I’m making painfully detailed checklists for myself (that often include “eat a salad, bitch”), I kind of can’t get over how much my life has truly changed – and that’s before I take the BLONDE into account.

However, some things NEVER change. What I really can’t get over is how women continue to be TRULY EVIL toward other women. I don’t know if it’s a competition thing, envy, jealousy, low self-esteem, self-hatred, overwhelming feelings of inadequacy… there are women that despise other women. I used to think that these things happened because of jealousy, but I think that it is also that our society has conditioned us to hate. There can be more than one fabulous woman in the room. It’s not like life is some ridiculous reality competition show where only one woman can be the most beautiful, the most successful, the most admired. This is life and there are no rules. It’s taken me years to figure that out and I’m still struggling.

There really are no rules. Sure, there are laws, but there are no rules. You can have pizza for breakfast, wear white after Labor Day, and have more than one best friend. Maybe this is my hippie-wannabe, free-spirit bullshit talking, but there are so many more important things in the world than hatred. All the time and energy that we expend hating people, places, or things could be spent doing something productive. Sometimes, when I’m frustrated I’ll say, “I hate everyone.” This is not true. I am just frustrated. I used to hate a lot, but it’s just not worth it. It took me a long time to let it go, but I think I’m better for it. I know that people judge me more harshly now that I’m BLONDE, but do I hate them? No. I have faced far worse in my life. I’ve had to deal with negativity and doubt from all sides, and at times I thought I would lose it, but I didn’t.

What I don’t understand are those looks, particularly when you walk into a bar or something, when you get the once-over. It’s like certain women are “sizing up the competition.” Here’s the thing that most people don’t realize and despite the fact that I heard it in a pop song (Baz Luhrmann, “Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen) over 10 years ago, it’s taken me that long to realize what it’s about: “Don’t waste time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind; the race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself.” It’s a waste of time to focus your energy comparing yourself to someone else. This isn’t just the BLONDE talking… this is the ME talking. You cannot measure your life with someone else’s yard stick.

I refuse to sit down; I refuse to shut up. I refuse to live a life that isn’t my own. I refuse to listen to the naysayers. I’m living the life I want to be living. I write because I have to, not because I have people to read. I write for myself. I live for myself. I refuse to settle down and fall in line and continue to carry on this ridiculous competitive mentality. I’m living my life and so should everyone else. Am I right?

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols:

Day 119

I would like to announce today’s honorary BLONDE: Gotham the cat.

My cat is named Gotham, but I tend to call her “Go-Go.” She’s midnight-black, but she should have been a blonde. She’s sassy and independent and AWESOME. She likes to eat and sleep and is comfortable enough in her own body to bathe in public (I’m grateful that most humans do not do this…). I actually learn a lot of life lessons from her, blonde-related or not.

- You are who you are. Accept it; embrace it.

- When in doubt, sleep on it (literally or figuratively).

- Don’t be afraid to ask for help, even it it’s just because you want a scratch behind the ears.

- Stretch regularly.

- Don’t care what other people think, even if you’ve made a mistake and pissed on the carpet.

- You have power beyond your imagination; don’t let someone make you feel inferior.

- Quiet moments are important (especially for catching bugs).

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols:

Day 118

It’s crazy how yesterday could be so terrible and today was so wonderful.

When I meet new people, I have to search their eyes to see if they are judging me based on my BLONDE-ness. I never did this as a redhead, but now, as a blonde, I feel like I have to know (for research purposes of course). I’ve always made strong eye contact, but now I’m even more aware of it. I also tend to notice when certain people’s eyes drift down to my tits. Can you say OBNOXIOUS?

I met a delightful person today. It really made my day to have someone genuinely love what they do. It also made me very happy to be seen with respect and dignity; I saw it in their eyes. Who was this person? I’m not about to spill the beans but it was pleasant and I think that my blonde self is very happy.

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols:

Day 117

Today was awful. Every endeavor I set out to complete ended in failure. From helping someone with their mobile phone troubles, to simply pumping gas… everything was difficult. If I had known what the day was to be like, I may have stayed hidden in my bed.

I woke up from the best sleep of my life. After last night’s wretched nightmare I needed some serious rest. I slept so good that when I woke up I swear I think I forgot who I was. Honestly, I had to remember who I was, what my name is, and where on planet earth I live. Sometimes that is a pleasant sensation, but I’m still not quite sure how I felt about it today.

It took me far too long to get home after work because some crazy morons decided to riot in Hollywood. They police had to close down a street and wear their riot gear. It was ridiculous… and you know what the cause was? Well, from what I can tell, there was a film premiere and some DJ was supposed to play and he tweeted about it and thousands of people showed up. The police had to shut it down and people became irrationally angry. Apparently there were people setting fire to cop cars and being belligerent. Cops had to shoot people with beanbags or whatever for crowd control. It was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard. There should be riots about things like inequality or gay marriage or inaccessible healthcare… not a fucking concert. People should fight the man for the appropriate reasons. I’m all for uprising and insurrection, but make sure it’s about something and something worthwhile.

Needless to say, today was a day I was not glad to be in LA. Today was a day that should be granted a “do-over.” Can I cash in one of those?

Today gets 0 Barbie Warhols (not even cupcakes or pizza could help): 0

Day 116

I woke up this morning to discover that it was 4am, I was wide awake and sweating. My heart was racing and it actually took me a second to realize that I was okay… Which brings me to a segment I like to call:

DR. BLONDIE’S WEIRD DREAM ANALYSIS

I had a dream that I was on vacation in Colorado on a horse ranch. I’m not sure why or how, but it looked like the ranch from Hey Dude, but I didn’t recognize a soul. I was there alone.

My flowing red hair was long and braided to the side. I was wearing a Bruce Springsteen “Born in the USA” t-shirt. I was riding a horse around his pen bareback. He suddenly bucked and I went flying off. I landed hard on my back and crashed through the fence. I felt the earth give way beneath me. I thought I had really knocked my self hard since the world was moving, but I realized I was being dragged away from the horse. I saw 3 figures raise pick axes and slaughter the horse before it all went black.

I wake up to a stinging smell in my nose and I’m tied up to a pipe hanging from the ceiling. My braid has been cut off and it’s laying on the floor in a pool of blood. It is at this point that I realize it’s my blood. I taste it in my mouth. I thought I was just wet, and in pain from the fall, but I look up at my hands and my left thumb is missing. It’s been severed. My tongue is in my mouth and I realize my teeth are gone. I see a man cooking on a stove. I think we must be in a basement because there is a sliver of a window where the wall meets the ceiling. Without a word, he comes over to me with pruning shears and attempts to cut off my nose.

…and then I wake up.

This dream is very violent, but it’s not just a nightmare about gore for gore’s sake. My analysis is as follows:

1. I’m in an isolated area, which means that perhaps I’m feeling lonely or isolated.

2. I’ve never ridden a horse, so perhaps this represents a desired pursuit

3. I have red hair in this dream because perhaps I still only identify myself as a redhead.

4. I’m wearing a Bruce Springsteen shirt because perhaps this whole idyllic experience of me at a ranch represents the American Dream

5. Being bucked from the horse and attacked must mean all idyllic experiences have to end; the American Dream is dead. Perhaps my subconscious knows that whatever idealized goals I have in my head are antiquated. This is why unseen figures destroy my harmonious existence.

6. Waking up in an unknown, threatening environment must mean that I am uneasy about upcoming circumstances in my own life due to their uncertainty.

7. Having bodily harm inflicted on my while unconscious means that I feel taken advantage of in a stealth manner. I’ve been marred by a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

8. Losing my hair means that I’ve lost my identity. The same could be said of the thumb, but I think that also relates to being an evolved species. Without thumbs, we are really no different from the beasts.

9. Without teeth, we have no power. He have no means of obtaining sustenance on a primal level.

10. My blood being spilled must mean that I feel like my life force is being taken.

11. The unknown man is cooking because my fate is still unknown, but the fates are still at work.

12. The man goes to cut off my nose because it is the center of the face, irreplaceable, and your breath and life force flow through it. This may mean I fear irrevocable consequences of my actions.

Needless to say, this was a very disturbing dream, but at it’s heart there are very normal fears and anxieties. I’m going to eat two cookies and call me in the morning.

Today gets 2 Barbie Warhols:

Day 115

Today was a day that was mostly spent in the car. I don’t mind driving as long as there isn’t traffic. Guess what? There is pretty much always traffic in and around Los Angeles. I was very frustrated and it was a situation that my BLONDE couldn’t cure. Perhaps if I had a convertible, my blonde could have played a role, but I think the same could be said for a flying car. Where’s Doc Brown when you need him?

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 113

I must be busy - woke up at 8 am on purpose. I have a lot to do and I just don’t think I will be able to find the hours in the day to accomplish it all. I am beginning to feel old and tired. “I’m old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to.” Bilbo Baggins was dealing with fallout from the one ring to rule them all, but I can’t say I don’t sympathize. I’m not quite ready to sail off to the gray havens, but I’m ready for a nap - a really good nap, like the kind you don’t plan and don’t have to.

I’m not complaining. I like being busy, it’s just that time goes by more quickly. It’s as though the sands of time are slipping through my fingers, and the more I try to grasp at the grains, the more quickly they pass through.

That was a little too deep, but that doesn’t make it untrue. I ordered black combat boots that are really awesome. I’m ready to go through my combat-Barbie phase (really, I plan on wearing them with plaid skirts that were really awesome circa 1995). Is there a combat-style Barbie? If there isn’t, I think that I have to be a little angry with Barbie. I know there was an astronaut Barbie, but I don’t remember a military Barbie which leads me to believe that Mattel doesn’t want women in the military. I have to google this before I go on an uneducated rant…

(pause)

There is an Army Barbie (and Ken, too!) as well as an Air Force Barbie. I guess I can love Barbie again. So, I’m ready to rock the combat Barbie look. Watch out, world!

Today gets 4 Barbie Warhols:

Day 112

Today I barely had a chance to gather my thoughts, let alone explore my blonde-ness. My life is suddenly very busy, but in a good way, I think. I can’t really believe how much my life has changed in the past 4 months, but it has picked up substantially. I’m hoping that my blonde can help me overcome any obstacles that come my way.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by all I have to do, but I came home yesterday (? I’m not really sure what day it was, but I’m pretty sure it was yesterday) to find Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead was on HBO. The wise boss, Rose, says, “Don’t get overwhelmed, just take it one thing at a time.” It’s very wise advice. I’ll have to try it sometime.

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols: