Day 63

(run, forrest, run)

I can’t believe I have (currently) 1641 page views. That means that on average, 26.5 people read my blog per day. I think I like the concept of people reading what I write, even if they think it’s drivel. I apparently have your attention. I’ll try not to bore you.

Today I was convinced was a terrible day. I felt like people were being uncooperative at work and just generally kind of lame. But it turned around. By the end of a long day, I felt better, but I was tired. Everyone seemed to really have a difficult time today. Long weekends are great in theory, but it kind of sucks to have your Tuesday be a Monday and you have to do 5 days worth of work in 4. It’s kind of a crock, right?

I came home to find that the mailman tried to deliver a package today. Normally this little peach piece of paper has a sender listed. This one just says “China.” I kind of laughed out loud. I’m sure it’s some random thing I bought on etsy that is being shipped from China, but I laughed. The entire country of China sent me a present. Is it a thank you gift for being a fan of dumplings and sesame chicken? I’m going to go with probably, but I’m sure it’s just because I’m blonde.

Forrest Gump is on TNT right now. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this movie, but it never seems to get old. It is the perfect balance of drama, comedy, and history, with fantastic characters. Great soundtrack too. I think this leads me to another philosophy on how to live my life. I will list it along with the others:

1. Live life to the BLONDEST. This means having fun, not taking yourself too seriously, and having a fondness for the color pink.

2. Live like you’re going to be dead by 30. This seems a little morbid, but if given the proper motivation, you can accomplish anything. Procrastination will be the lament of a dead man (I’m the wisest blonde I know, so you should probably write that gem down).

3. Be as much like my grandma as humanly possible. Wear comfortable clothes, don’t be afraid to tell people your opinion (even if it may be slightly offensive), and don’t take shit from anyone. Life is too short to put up with bullshit. And always moisturize and make sure you smell good.

4. Forrest Gump may not have been the sharpest tool in the box, but he was a versatile and useful one. To get places in life, you don’t necessarily have to be the best. You have to be ready to adapt and willing to take a risk. You don’t survive the Vietnam War or become a ping-pong champion without adapting or taking risks. Forest was blatantly honest and true to his friends. Sure he’s a fictional character, but I think we can all learn something from him – be true to who you are, no matter how much adversity you meet. People may call you names or underestimate you, but that’s their problem, not yours. And, you should probably invest in “some fruit company.”

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 62

(image from www.nataliedee.com)

I was talking to my mom on the phone today, as always, and it occurred to me as I was telling her about my weekend, this blonde business really has turned me into a feminist. Perhaps I always was someone who saw these inequalities but I chose not to dwell on it. I bought some makeup and bras and underwear today. Do you know how expensive that stuff is? It’s kind of ridiculous. I also am kind of appalled at how difficult it is to find an unpadded bra, because god knows I don’t need any additional padding. Sometimes, it’s really not fair being a woman. Trust me, if I could get away with being a bra-less, hairy, un-made-up woman, I would. However, society dictates that if I don’t adhere to certain social constructs, I will be an outcast. Let’s be honest, life is difficult enough without blatantly bucking the system over something as trivial as armpit hair or over-the-shoulder boulder holders. But I would like to point out the fact that being a woman is often unfair. I’m going to make some points whether they are valid or not, I don’t really care; I’m making them anyway:

- Bras kind of suck. They tend to be uncomfortable and that whole push-up business doesn’t necessarily make them any more comfortable. They had to have been invented by a guy. If we wanted to make things equal, would men wear testicle restraints? Of course not, and to suggest such would be seen as ludicrous. But bras, those are totally fine.

- I am totally against visible panty lines as much as the next gal, but there are so many types of underwear, it’s a bit insane. Brief, hi-cut bikini, string bikini, thong, boy short, cheeky, g-string, hiphugger, full coverage, no coverage, semi-coverage… Guys have boxers or briefs and the hybrid boxer-briefs.

- Men don’t have to go to a gynecologist. Women have to go to a doctor and essentially pay someone to stick a q-tip in their hoo-haw. It kind of gets to a point when you’re like, “wait, shouldn’t you be paying ME for this?” Don’t get me wrong, vaginas are great, but they tend to take a lot more upkeep than a dick.

- Bikini waxes? Really? Would dudes ever decide to go have a complete stranger put molten wax on their man-parts and then yank the hair out at the root? PA-LEEZZZ.

- Periods. Not fun and people (men) usually write off our feelings as PMS. Would you like to bleed out of your penis for a week and feel like you got the flu and the only cure for it is chocolate? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

- Makeup is awesome, don’t get me wrong, it can cover up all manner of sins. But if a guy has a bad night, you don’t see him dabbing concealer on his face to cover the bags under his eyes. I know that some gay men wear makeup proudly – you go! Actually, from what I’ve seen, they’re better at applying eyeliner than I am. Guys may see this as a draw back – they have to wear their imperfections with pride. I know that brother #anonymous used to not only use my exfoliating face wash and moisturizer, but I’m almost positive on several occasions he used my concealer on a zit or two. And you know what, other than being annoyed by him using my shit, I didn't really care.

- Childbirth. I can’t speak from personal experience, but I had to watch a video in health class that made me want to never ever do that. It’s pretty much proof that women are the stronger sex and that certain events should never be captured on film. And if they are, they should never be shown to anyone under the age of 40, or else they will be scarred for life.

Granted, this is my perspective, and I’m not asking for a government subsidy to help fund my womanly needs, but I do think that it should be noted that being a woman is expensive. Did you know that insurance premiums for women are generally higher than they are for men? That just sucks. Here is a breakdown:

$6.79 for a box of Tampax tampons

$5.99 for a bottle of Advil

$24.95 for a Victoria’s Secret bra (on sale)

$25.00 for 5 pairs of Victoria’s Secret undies (on sale, and I despise the word “panties”)

$125.00 for a pap smear (at a local clinic)

$75.00 for eyebrow and bikini wax

$115.00 for concealer, foundation, mascara, blush, and lipstick at Sephora

$12.00 for Olay moisturizer

That’s almost $400. I would never want to stop being a woman, or to lead you to believe that this argument is solely based on expenses, but I think it’s time that we all acknowledge that women do still have a hard time.

BTW, it is Memorial Day, so thank to all the men and women who serve our country and stuff.

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 61

I didn’t do a whole lot today. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and go to the bathroom, I’m surprised to see that I’m blonde. I guess I forget sometimes, which I guess is a little weird. It does seem to make me happy.

Nothing really happened today, which I think is great. Not everyday can be a world-shaking kind of day. Some days have to be the sit-back-with-a-cold-beverage kind of day. I did some sewing and drank some coffee, and played with the cat. It was a great little Saturday. Or should I say Caturday?

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 60

Is it really only day 60? My life really has changed a lot in only two months. I would have to say that thus far it has only gotten better. Being blonde may have seemed trivial and this blog probably seemed frivolous and stupid, but I think that there really is something great to be said of change. A lot of people resist change, often myself included, but I like self-inflicted change. I like making decisions with purpose and sticking with them. I may be crazy, but I think that also helps make me fearless.

Today was a pretty easy-going day at work since most of the people I normally have to coordinate stuff with all left their offices by 2pm. I had to put in a whole day, but there are totally worse things in life than having a job.

After work, I met up with my ex-professor J, and alumni A and B. We had a grand time. I was in the lobby and J didn’t recognize me. AT ALL. Until I went up to her and she laughed. It was great. She’s also blonde, so she totally understands the premise of my new ‘do. Honestly, there are just some people in your life who you just connect with – regardless of who they are and how they are connected to you. I’ve actually been very lucky in this department. I’ve had friendships with professors, neighbors, cat ladies, co-workers, classmates, strangers, teachers, mutual friend-friends, coffee baristas, bartenders, bums, cats, dogs, squirrels, and even the occasional mime. There are some people (and animals) who just get you. And that is really special. I love easy friendships. Hard ones are often worth fighting for, but easy friendships are my favorite – no matter how much time has passed, when you get together you pick up right where you left off. A week, a month, or even years later it’s as if nothing has changed.

It was a great night of zombie talk, scholarly film chitchat, beer, and catching up on each other’s lives.

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols!

Day 59

BLONDE THINGS THAT ROCK: EVERYTHING AMY POEHLER

I really do like Amy Poehler. I don’t watch Parks and Recreation as much as I should, but I think she’s adorable and funny, and dare I say, spritely? She really is funny and smart and most importantly: BLONDE. She’s also married to Will Arnett and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live in their guesthouse and ingratiate myself into their extended family. If anyone would like to help me make this happen, feel free to let me know.

I think is says a lot that she was asked to speak at Harvard. I still kind of scoff at Yale and Harvard, but I think that’s because I will always and forever be a rebel and a reluctant class warrior. Amy Poehler is a type of woman we have been led to believe is a rare breed by our pop culture and societal norms. I think that all women have the ability to be smart, funny, beautiful, and BLONDE. This statement is not meant to belittle the achievements of Ms. Poehler, but is meant to challenge our own way of thinking. Women are smart and funny and don’t make jokes solely based on our vaginas or P.M.S. As Jennifer Check said in the Academy-Award* winning film Jennifer’s Body, “P.M.S. isn’t real, Needy. It was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem crazy.”

I also have Amy Poehler to thank (via Tina Fey's book Bossypants) for my new motto, “I don’t fucking care if you like it.” Amy, you may have created a monster. A beautiful, blonde monster!

Here’s the video of her Harvard speech:

And for those of you who are too lazy to watch the video, here are my favorite quotes:

“You may be wicked smart, but you’re not better than me.”

“I learned some rules [of improvisation] that I try to apply still today: listen, say yes, live in the moment, make sure you play with people who have your back, make big choices early and often…”

“You never know what is around the corner, unless you peek. Hold someone’s hand while you do it; you will feel less scared. You can’t do this alone. Besides, it is much more fun to succeed and fail with other people; you can blame them when things go wrong.”

“Continue to share your heart with people, even if it’s been broken. Don’t treat your heart like an action figure, wrapped in plastic and never used. And don’t try to give me that nerd argument that your heart is a Batman with a limited edition silver Batarang and therefore if it stays in its original packing it increases in value.”

Watching this made me happy that I’m a blonde. I also want to wear flowers in my hair.

Today gets 4 Barbie Warhols:

*”Academy Award” refers to the imaginary awards given out by the Academy of Movies People Should Watch that I founded yesterday in my bathtub.

Day 58

Where I currently work, there are security guards. As I pass them I always wave. Sure, it’s a nice thing to do, but I also get a kick out of watching grown ups wave. I am also amused by the manner in which people choose to wave. My wave is unabashedly open-palmed and wild. It also amuses me when people just don’t wave back. Quit being jackasses and put your hand up.

Today, the last episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” aired. I didn’t watch it religiously, but I’ve always looked up to Oprah. I think that she truly embodies the ideal “if you believe it, you can achieve it.” She came from rural Mississippi to become one of, if not the most powerful person in the world. I like that I live in an era when a black woman can be on top, but I also hate that I live in an era when that is still considered to be outside the norm, you know? Even when Bridesmaids came out a couple weeks ago people were amazed that a female-driven comedy could be successful and actually funny. Apparently female-driven comedies are supposed to be dull and entirely full of PMS jokes.

Will the world be different without Oprah on TV everyday? Maybe. Who can tell at this point? I had always hoped that one day Oprah would select my yet-to-be-written novel for her book club. I selfishly hope that she keeps up with the book club so that this dream can come true, but you know, also to encourage literacy and all that jazz.

Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I have conversations in the bathroom mirror. This may make me insane, but if that is news to you, then you CLEARLY do not know me at all. I am insane and it’s really great to be out here on the funny farm – the air is so clean. But seriously, I have conversations in the mirror and they are usually with Oprah or Barbara Walters. It’s not that I thirst for fame or anything gross like that, it’s that they are really great interviewers. I imagine what I would be meeting with them to talk about, whether it’s achieving the most perfect liquid eyeliner application or winning the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m talking to them. Sometimes it’s just really great to get out of your cerebral self and just get silly with your imaginary Oprah. In case you still don't understand what I’m talking about, here are a few potential scenes from my life with Oprah:

Our forlorn protagonist enters the bathroom looking down at the floor. She approached the sink and looks into the mirror. She has a pimple on her chin that she picks and then stops and gives up. She gazes into the mirror.

“Mo, when was it that you first started drawing?”

“You know, Oprah, I can’t really remember. I always had a crayon in my hand or something. I think there are drawings of Yoda that I gave to my brother when I was young – maybe 3 or 4 years old. I don’t know. I have an alphabet book from Kindergarten that contains more pop culture references than an episode of ‘Glee’.”

“So you have always been creative?”

“Yes, I think so. My mom really encouraged me.”

“Well, I have to congratulate you on all of your success. These illustrations of famous works of art reinterpreted with dry macaroni noodles are really fantastic.”

“The idea just kind of came to me one day. I was staring at SpongeBob Squarepants on the front of the box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and I thought ‘Yes! Starry Night should be re-imagined with dry pasta!’ It was definitely a turning point.”

“And these worn edges make the work seem aged.”

“That was my cat’s contribution.”

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A young, vivacious blonde walks into the bathroom. As she approaches the mirror she unwraps a new lipstick. She moves her lips as she smoothes on the bright pink hue. She smacks her lips together and smiles.

“Mo, when did you know you wanted to work on movies?”

“Well, Oprah, as soon as I discovered that Star Wars was a movie, I decided that I wanted to be Princess Leia. When that didn’t work out, I decided it was time to go into the business of making pictures.”

“When did you first pick up a camera?”

“When I was 8 or 9, my sister and I made our first talk show. It was called ‘The Cool Show’ and it was essentially us sitting on the couch talking into the camera, pretending to host a morning talk show a la ‘Regis and Kathy Lee.’ Mom and Grandma were sitting off camera and would pretend to be callers. I can’t really remembered what we talked about, but I think it was essentially 30 minutes of my sister making fun of me while she kept unknowingly flashing her underwear to the camera. Needless to say, it was pure gold.”

“Your sister has kindly provided us with a clip…”

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A tired-looking 20-something walks into the bathroom and vomits into the toilet. As she pulls her hair out of her face, she stares into the deep abyss before her.

“On today’s show, we have a very special guest. Audience, please welcome MMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOONNDDDDIIIIEEEE!!!!”

“Thank you, Oprah for that wonderful welcome.”

“So, how are you doing?”

“I’m fantastic. I honestly can’t believe that I have a book on the New York Times Best Seller List. I never really thought I would ever do it.”

“But you did.”

“Yes, against all odds.”

“When you were writing this book, you were at rock bottom, weren’t you?”

“Oprah, I was. I had eaten some bad chicken and as I was vomiting I thought, ‘why did I eat that?’ It was really hard to be sick without anyone to take care of me.”

“Have you always been a solitary person?”

“I think so. I always had a vivid imagination, so even when I was alone, I never really felt lonely. But you know, sometimes pretending isn’t enough, you know?”

“And that’s where you got the inspiration for your book?”

“I imagined a world where imagination doesn’t exist and it was awful. It took me to a really dark place. But I transformed that negativity and used it as creativity. And now I’m with Oprah, so EVERYTHING IS GREAT!”

…. And SCENE!

These seem weird and pathetic, but they make me feel better. I hope that Oprah will always be in my delusions. Her sage wisdom and somewhat pandering questions often provoke great thoughts. Sometimes silly activities can lead to greatness. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself today. And everyday from now until forever. So wave back, you pompous sticks in the mud!

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols: