Day 33

(I think I want this book, but that's not the point of this post...)

“Thirty days has September, April, June, and November…”

It kind of weirds me out that some months are shorter than others. Who decided this stuff? Benjamin Franklin? The Greeks? Romans? Mayans? I’m sure a simple Google search could quell my thoughts, but that’s too easy and probably wouldn’t help me come to terms with the fact that some months are longer than others (or I’m just lazy). It’s not because of its origin that I’m weirded out by it, it’s that they aren’t equal. Why is February, my birth month (and therefore my favorite), so short? Like, the absolute shortest month? My OCD tendencies want all the months to be equal. It’s a weird thing to have bother you, but I’m a weird person, so who cares?

I find that I have very strange tendencies that have developed since I’ve become a blonde. I have to wear lipstick. I have about 20 different shades of lip stain, tinted lip balm, color-stay stuff, moisturizing tint, regular smudgy lipstick, and lip-gloss. I’m not really satisfied with a single one. I’ll like it immensely for a day or two, maybe a week, and then I will get so bored or decide it’s the wrong shade. You may not realize this, but lip color can change your face. Some people say this about eyebrows, and that’s true, but I think that lipstick can change your whole look. My mom used to always say she “looked dead” without lipstick (I’m sure she still says this, but I don’t remember the last time she said it). Lipstick can make your complexion look healthier, your teeth look whiter, and your smile seem brighter. So, I’ve been obsessed with lip color.

I have been obsessed with nail polish for a while – even before I became blonde. However, it’s somehow gotten worse lately. I really LOVE nail polish. Sometimes it’s nice to have bare nails for a day or two, but I like to have nail polish on. I think that it is just another form of expression. I also really like the names. OPI and Essie are my favorites, but they are kind of expensive ($8 a pop). I hate it when I have chipped nail polish, which is one of my crazy tendencies, so I end up fixing my nails a lot. Sometimes it seems like it’s more trouble than it’s worth, but I’ve learned to find nail polish application therapeutic. It’s like a calm ritual. And it’s taking the time to invest in your self-worth (that’s total bullshit, but it sounds good, right?). Sometimes, having perfect nail polish makes me feel better about myself. It’s so fucking superficial, but I don’t care. We’re a superficial culture. Deal with it.

I still wish all the months were the same length.

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 32

I’ve been watching a lot of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” on Netflix streaming. I will admit that I was one of the few people who liked the Kristy Swanson-Luke Perry movie better than the Sarah Michelle Gellar-David Boreanaz TV show. However, the TV show is growing on me. It’s very much a creature-of-the-week-type show, but I have always loved the Buffy sarcasm and irony of a popular blonde cheerleader-type fighting vampires. It’s just a really awesome concept and there is a reason that Joss Whedon is still working (he’s awesome and has a fierce cult following).

However, I think that the real reason that I have always like the movie more than the TV show is because Kristy Swanson is blonder than Sarah Michelle Gellar. This was a subconscious judgment, but now I know that it is true. Watching the 1^st season of “Buffy” made me realize that Buffy’s not as blonde as I thought and Willow isn’t as red as I remember. It could be the digital transfer or the lighting, but that doesn’t make it more or less true.

I think that it should also be noted that I had a MAJOR crush on Luke Perry in the early 90s. I was a hardcore “90210” fan and I had the Brenda and Dylan dolls. My sister and I collected the 90210 trading cards (yes, they existed) and kept them in a 90210 binder in the archive-quality baseball card sleeves. I made my mom “sign” the cast names in cursive on my 90210 folder so it looked like I got it autographed by the cast. I had 90210 t-shirts and a giant 90210 puzzle depicting Jason Priestly and Luke Perry only. Needless to say, I love my mom for allowing me to watch such a soapy teen show at such a young, impressionable (and material consumerist) age.

Obviously, my Perry-ist leanings had a major influence on my Buffy preferences. It’s not as if they were around at the same time. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was 1992 and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” was 1997. That’s five years to grow up and move on, but also to develop an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. I suffer from a chronic case of premature nostalgia. I think that our entire generation has ADD and in the digital age, we can get nostalgic for how we looked five minutes ago. Instant nostalgia is dangerous because it makes you be more precious about things than you should be. As a 12-year-old girl, I was pretty nostalgic for stuff. I was nostalgic to for a time that I didn’t even personally experience (star wars mania) and longed for fashion I didn’t even have the boobs for (60’s mod). Anyway, it came as a great surprise that I didn’t take to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” immediately due to the nostalgia for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I can only conclude that the TV show was not nearly blonde enough for me.

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 31

I had a crush on Prince William. This is true. He was tall and British and, you know, he was a prince. What girl doesn’t want to be a princess? Then you grow up and realize things aren’t the way you thought they were. Being a princess totally involves wearing awesome dresses, but being a real princess is a far cry from being a Disney princess. There are responsibilities and media scrutiny. I remember Princess Diana being on the cover of the National Enquirer with a super close-up of her legs claiming she had cellulite. I’m pretty sure that every woman in the world is fighting the impossible battle with cellulite. Deal with it, world.

Kate Middleton will probably have a rough road ahead of her. Well, as rough as a new member of the monarchy can have it. I’ve seen King Ralph more times than I can count and I’ve learned a lot. So Kate, here’s my advice to you:

1. Don’t be afraid to go blonde. It’s changed my life for the better and I think that it could do the same for you. Always keep them guessing.

2. From what I’ve gathered about royalty, it’s not necessarily about crowns, it’s about hats! You should make sure that you have a variety of hats on hand for anything – meetings with diplomats, church services, beer runs. Also, you may not be aware of this, but the 90s are totally back, so you should rock the pork pie hat, the sunbonnet, and as many “Blossom” hats as you can find.

3. Your life is going to be under a microscope. The media will be looking for you to do something embarrassing or get caught with toilet paper on your shoe. You’ve experienced this a little bit, but you should probably start becoming a secret drinker so that you don’t care what they say when they eventually say it. I’m pretty sure in this day and age, if they can’t dig up dirt on you, they’ll fabricate it.

4. I think I read somewhere that you and Wills aren’t going to have servants at one of the houses you are going to inhabit. This is a mistake. You just eliminated jobs when the world is on the verge of collapse. And you eliminated jobs that make your life easier. They can do your dishes and your laundry? Are you crazy? Send them to my place; I’ll keep them busy!

5. You should always check your teeth after you eat.

6. Learn table manners from that scene in Pretty Woman. I’m not implying that you’re a hooker; I just think that scene is really informative and could help with any possible dinner-related problems.

7. You should watch King Ralph religiously. Peter O’Toole is a great teacher and I think that you could learn a lot about how royalty should interact with strippers.

8. You should get Wills some Rogaine. I really don’t know why it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe even get him into the Hair Club for Men.

9. This royal wedding stuff is CRAY-ZEEE. You should probably pop a Xanax now.

10. I would maybe have the royal nurse set you up with a catheter tomorrow. I think you’re probably going to be wearing a ridiculous dress and it will be impossible to pee. Nothing makes you feel the magic of your wedding day like the sensation of warm piss resting against your leg.

Godspeed, Kate.

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols because I’m not under pressure like Kate Middleton:

Day 30

It’s been 30 days. This is kind of exciting. I took an IQ test and only scored 140. I had scored 147 has a redhead, so I guess I did lose some IQ points by becoming blonde. But internet IQ test are probably bogus, so who can be sure?

I have the sudden urge to go camping. It could have been because I watched five minutes of Dead Poet’s Society today and realized that I do want “to go into the woods to live deliberately.” I haven’t been camping since... I was maybe 12. I am a bit apprehensive because if you’ve watched as many movies as I have, camping never goes well for blondes; they usually die. Whether It’s at Camp Crystal Lake (Friday the 13^th), Camp Arawak (Sleepaway Camp), or the Tennessee woods (Evil Dead), you’re pretty much doomed. I can’t help but associate camping with horror movies. I suppose there are some great camping movies that aren’t full of gore, but I’m going to make a list. It’s like a challenge (I don’t think I’m going for comprehensive, I’m going for solid movies with the majority of the film involving camping in the woods – I think I’m eliminating desert island scenarios). I like lists and everyone knows I love a good theme! So, here’s a possible syllabus if Professor Blonde was going to teach you about camping via the movies:

Camping Cinema 101:

Friday the 13^th

The Great Outdoors

Evil Dead

Camping: Childhood Fun 210:

Stand by Me (I love this movie, and I think it can count)

Camp Nowhere

Troop Beverly Hills

Meatballs

Camping: Male Bonding 313:

Deliverance

Brokeback Mountain

Without a Paddle

Camping: You Won’t Get Out Alive 425:

Grizzly

Sleepaway Camp

Cabin Fever

Don’t Go Into the Woods

Extra Credit:

The Cabin in the Woods (supposedly coming in 2011)

Swiss Family Robinson (desert island, but they have a badass tree house)

The Sandlot (instructional s’mores scene)

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (opening campfire singing scene)

House of Wax (2005) (camping while on the road… barely counts)

Friday the 13^th Part INFINITY (the original is the best, but the sequels can provide enrichment)

Friday the 13^th (2009) (it’s not that great, but it’s an okay twist on the original)

Today gets 4 Barbie Warhols:

Day 29

Today, instead of talking about what I did today and how it improved my overall existence, I’m introducing a new segment:

BLONDE SH*T THAT ROCKS: BLONDIE

I will admit that I love my new nickname “Blondie,” but I am talking about the band Blondie. You would pretty much have to be living under a rock or just an idiot to not have heard “Call Me,” “Heart of Glass,” “One Way or Another,” or “Rapture.” And those are just the top hits. Blondie rocks. It’s practically scripture that Blondie is badass. Their name came from lead singer Debbie Harry’s blonde hair – and the nickname that derived from it. The band were regulars at CBGB. They broke up and got back together. Debbie Harry became an icon.

I’m not sure the first time I heard a Blondie song, but it was probably one of those TV commercials for compilation CDs. My money’s on “Heart of Glass.” I remember seeing Coyote Ugly and watching Piper Perabo sing along to “One Way or Another” on top of the bar. I’m sure all their singles were on the radio. I don’t know when I first heard “In the Flesh,” but I fell in love with it. Then I heard it covered by the faux band Low Shoulder in Jennifer’s Body – and I kind of remembered how much I love Blondie. I can’t remember the movie or TV show, but someone analyzes how badass “One Way or Another” is. It’s about some crazy bitch stalking you and she won’t let up. A-MAZ-ING.

Sure, I want to be like Barbie, but I want to be like Debbie Harry, too.

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 28

I overslept today – the story of my life. I cleaned my apartment and my bestie from high school, M, came down to Hollywood with her bf. We wandered around a bit and came back to my apartment and played with Gotham. I walked them back over to Hollywood and Highland and I stopped in to 25 degrees. I ordered take out and had a drink while I waited. It was pretty great. I came back to the apartment and ate a bad-ass burger and some fries.

I actually worked out tonight, too. It’d been a while because I’ve been working. I watched “90210” and I’m watching Escape from New York, perhaps followed by Escape from L.A. I also made a wonderful to-do list.

I’m on the fence about to-do lists. Sometimes they are really useful – they keep you focused and there is definitely a sense of accomplishment when you cross stuff off. However, lists sometimes make me anxious because they seem daunting. Even if you take it one thing at a time, there are some days when you just cannot be productive. And if there is a list, you feel like a failure if you haven’t crossed anything off. Today I’m going to jam tomorrow and get a lot of stuff done. I say that every night and every morning I hit snooze until I just say, “Fuck it” and turn off the alarm and sleep till I feel like getting up. It’s a terrible habit, but who cares? I’ll be responsible later.

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 26

I slept in a bit today and took birthday girl C to the movies with K. We saw Water for Elephants because a little RPattz makes everyday pretty great. I read the book and I think the movie did it justice. I think Reese was the weak link in the movie. I just didn’t buy her as that character, but I can’t hate on her because she represented the blondes rather well.

We also went out for C’s birthday and it got kind of crazy. It was all you can drink for $25 - 9pm – 1am. Let’s just say I got more than my money’s worth. It was fun. I didn’t really get hit on, but I did dance in front of a window and had a crowd of revelers cheering me on. It was a great 2 minutes of my life. I think C had a great birthday and it was really nice to see some familiar faces. I was also able to reclaim my D2: The Mighty Ducks DVD from C’s apartment. She’s had it since about Thanksgiving. I feel whole again.

It was a great day and hopefully the recovery time is minimal.

Today gets 4 Barbie Warhols:

Day 25

Today was my mom’s birthday. She opened the presents I sent her while she was on the phone with me and she liked them. I think that this could also be thought of as my pre-birthday or my grand-birthday since I wouldn’t have a birthday if my mom didn’t have a birthday. Not to be selfish and make her birthday about me, but sometimes you need more reasons to celebrate. Anyway, I love my mom and she’s the best ever.

I slept in until 2 in the afternoon. Then I drove to visit my friend M who is in town visiting. I got to see her and her bf, her sister, husband and baby. It was a good time except… TRAFFIC. The entire way up there the 101 was gross. I really need to get going on my hover-car invention. You would think that in the 21^st century we wouldn’t have a problem like traffic. But we do. And we also have pollution and disease and hatred. It’s all so stupid. Shouldn’t we be past this? I guess one truth is that we are painfully, perpetually human. In other words, we are painfully, perpetually flawed.

It was a great day. 4 Barbie Warhols:

Day 24

I was up at 5am to be on set at 6:30am. It’s not exactly the best concept for a morning, but I like to wake up and lay in bed for a little bit. So, I purposely set my alarm earlier than necessary; this allows me to lie in bed and hit snooze. I don’t really want to talk about what exactly I do, because it’s honestly not that interesting and I’m not sure of the legal parameters of talking about my job. I tend to sign confidentiality agreements, so I think blogging about industry secrets might be a no-no. But I can tell you this: I’m a hooker and on-set drug distributor.

Just kidding. Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I’m slutty and shady. I could keep riffing on this for a while, but I think those jokes fall flat when you’re reading them. So I’ll skip forward. I chipped my awesome hot pink nail polish in a totes major way. I know you will be relieved to know that I did my nails the second I got home to remedy this situation. I like to take pride in my nail polish application and color selection. I’m still feeling the Barbie phase, so I’m hot pink.

I had fun at work today because I was working with people who I’ve gotten to know better. I’ve worked with them a little before and we have a rapport now so it makes the work go faster. I also think that these days I tend to play things fast and loose which makes me more fun. I probably made about 80 too many inappropriate jokes, but I don’t remember signing any sexual harassment forms, so I’m pretty sure I’m in the clear. I mean, calling someone a “vagina” in the work place isn’t a bad thing, right? That’s like calling them the birthplace of the human race. It’s a compliment.

Obama was in LA today for some fundraisers or something. People are pretty pissed that he caused so much traffic. I don’t really understand why he can’t take a helicopter around town, but I’m not in the Secret Service so I can’t make that call. Getting angry about things you have no control over is pretty useless. You can get mad, but you have to eventually let it go and move on because to hold on to it just isn’t productive. See, sometimes I can be deep and stuff.

I came home, ordered a pizza, watched “The Vampire Diaries” and the rest of my Thursday night “must-see TV” (I’m pretty sure no one has called it that since the 90s). I’m drinking some Jameson and might write all night. Or watch movies. Or take a shower and go to bed. I have no idea which way things will go. I’ve been conscious for over 18 consecutive hours - which is probably some sort of record for me.

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols because I laughed a lot:

Day 23

I went to a new gig today and I think it went pretty well. Phone calls, errands, emails, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork… We were prepping for a commercial shoot tomorrow, so we may have missed something, but I guess we’ll deal with that tomorrow.

I got stuck in rush hour traffic and it took me over an hour to get home. I kind of wanted to rage against the machines. I made it home and the cat was freakishly excited to see me. It was cute. I was really hungry for real food so I make fish fillets and fries. I doused them with vinegar and I’m ready to doze off.

I’m going to re-watch “Game of Thrones,” since I didn’t really give it my full attention the first time. Sometimes I’m really grateful that I live in modern times, because it really was a hard life back then (“Game of Thrones” takes place in medieval times, but in a fictional universe). It took forever to get anywhere without cars and airplanes; messages took as long as it did to physically get somewhere because there were no telephones or internet. I guess there were carrier pigeons, but how reliable are they? If you got an infection you could be as good as dead because there was no decent medical treatment. I am not really surprised that Sean Bean is one of the lead characters, but I will be surprised if he survives a whole season because Sean Bean dies in every movie he’s in. Also, there seems to be a number of blondes on this show. I'm curious how they will be portrayed.

I can kind of sympathize with the crazy parents in The Village. [SPOILERS] They left modern society to go back to basics in a nature preserve. I can understand wanting to make your world smaller. I love technology, but sometimes I think that it’s created an army of techno-obsessed, electro-dependent drones (I also understand the irony of these statements while detailing my days on a blog on the internet). I’m way too active on facebook, twitter is stupid but I still use it, I surf the internet for way too many hours a day.

While stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way home today, I pondered where I would be and what I would be doing if there were no cars, airplanes, trains, phones, computers, internet, satellites… What would I be doing and where would I be doing it? I think that I would be a seamstress, cobbler, or baker. I might have been lucky enough to be born into nobility, and in that case I would be a princess or lady in waiting or something. I’d hope to have one of those awesome Dutch doors that are divided in half. I’d also want a really awesome horse. Every era is not without its drawbacks, I suppose.

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols:

Day 22

Today was weird and awesome. I really don’t know why it was weird, but I’ll go with my first instinct. I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon because I was so freaking tired. Thank God I didn’t have to work today because that probably would have been a disaster. I ran errands; got Gotham more cat food, picked up some random stuff at Staples… it was a day. I came home and cleaned a bit, played with the cat, and talked to my Grandma on the phone. I just love her. She’s so funny and amazing. I can’t talk to her without a smile on my face. I’m not sure if she knows that I’m blonde. And I forgot to tell her.

I went out with my bestie A tonight. She’s pretty much great. We watched the NBA playoffs at Happy Endings and then went to The Bowery. I dared her to drink the contents of a melted apple crisp and she did. It was awesome. I also tipped my hat to the waiter and he tipped his imaginary hat back. Phenomenal.

I was more ridiculous tonight that I normally am and I had a blast. Blame it on the blonde (Blame it on the Blonde ™ t-shirts available Summer 2011). I had a lot of fun and I think that I’m looser and less serious than I was before. I don’t really know if I’m different because of the blonde, or if I’m just different because I’m different. I guess only time will tell.

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols: