Day 120

I lead a very strange life. Sometimes I’m doing something and I think to myself “How the FUCK did I get here?” Whether I’m shopping for underwear at a discount store in Inglewood, buying craft supplies to make a dog-themed roman shade, or I’m making painfully detailed checklists for myself (that often include “eat a salad, bitch”), I kind of can’t get over how much my life has truly changed – and that’s before I take the BLONDE into account.

However, some things NEVER change. What I really can’t get over is how women continue to be TRULY EVIL toward other women. I don’t know if it’s a competition thing, envy, jealousy, low self-esteem, self-hatred, overwhelming feelings of inadequacy… there are women that despise other women. I used to think that these things happened because of jealousy, but I think that it is also that our society has conditioned us to hate. There can be more than one fabulous woman in the room. It’s not like life is some ridiculous reality competition show where only one woman can be the most beautiful, the most successful, the most admired. This is life and there are no rules. It’s taken me years to figure that out and I’m still struggling.

There really are no rules. Sure, there are laws, but there are no rules. You can have pizza for breakfast, wear white after Labor Day, and have more than one best friend. Maybe this is my hippie-wannabe, free-spirit bullshit talking, but there are so many more important things in the world than hatred. All the time and energy that we expend hating people, places, or things could be spent doing something productive. Sometimes, when I’m frustrated I’ll say, “I hate everyone.” This is not true. I am just frustrated. I used to hate a lot, but it’s just not worth it. It took me a long time to let it go, but I think I’m better for it. I know that people judge me more harshly now that I’m BLONDE, but do I hate them? No. I have faced far worse in my life. I’ve had to deal with negativity and doubt from all sides, and at times I thought I would lose it, but I didn’t.

What I don’t understand are those looks, particularly when you walk into a bar or something, when you get the once-over. It’s like certain women are “sizing up the competition.” Here’s the thing that most people don’t realize and despite the fact that I heard it in a pop song (Baz Luhrmann, “Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen) over 10 years ago, it’s taken me that long to realize what it’s about: “Don’t waste time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind; the race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself.” It’s a waste of time to focus your energy comparing yourself to someone else. This isn’t just the BLONDE talking… this is the ME talking. You cannot measure your life with someone else’s yard stick.

I refuse to sit down; I refuse to shut up. I refuse to live a life that isn’t my own. I refuse to listen to the naysayers. I’m living the life I want to be living. I write because I have to, not because I have people to read. I write for myself. I live for myself. I refuse to settle down and fall in line and continue to carry on this ridiculous competitive mentality. I’m living my life and so should everyone else. Am I right?

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols: