Day 65

I don’t know what it is about my apartment, but people who are new ask me to open the gate for them. It’s usually to get their cars out or something. I think it might be the cute “welcome” sign hanging on my door, the quaint gnome collection sitting on my stoop, or the slowly dying potted plants; but I can’t really be sure. It’s always the same.

A KNOCK is heard at the door. A tall, statuesque blonde woman goes and opens it. A (insert random adjectives here) is standing there.

“I hate to bother you, but I was wondering if you could open…”

Before they say another word, the blonde woman grabs a clicker and clicks it. The gate begins to retract into the adjacent bushes.

“… the gate. That’s my moving truck. I just moved into number one.”

The blonde nods and clicks the remote again.

“Oh. Thanks!”

The blonde closes the door and returns to the couch.

I don’t know about you, but I think that being friends with your neighbors can be dangerous. You could be running late to work and they stop you to talk to you about their new geraniums. You could be on your way home and you really have to pee, but they stop you to ask you about your new job. They’re walking their dog when you get the mail and it’s a 30-minute conversation about the wastefulness of junk mail or the horrible new tenant in apartment number four.

On the one hand, it is nice to be friendly because you never know when you’ll need them to water your plants for you, keep an eye out for burglars, or borrow a cup of sugar. However, on the other hand, it can get really awkward if you have to call the cops on their domestic disturbances. Or they ding your car. Or you have to tell them that their girlfriend can’t park her car in your parking spot three times before they actually listen to you. If you make friends with your neighbors, they can almost take it personally when you decide to move. It’s totally like:

“What? This place isn’t good enough for you anymore? This place isn’t good enough for you, but it’s good enough for me, is that it? Are you saying you're better than me? We never exchanged phone numbers, so it would be awkward if we did now. I would call you and let you know what new disease I have affecting the goiter on my neck and there would be no physical cues for you to give me so I can end the conversation. You’re going to have to be rude to me to get me off the phone and I will resent you for it. So be rude now so you don’t have to be rude multiple times later.”

I have a friend who once dated her neighbor. It sounds so college-dorm-soap-opera to me. I think you should apply the same policy to dating neighbors as dating in the work place: avoid at all costs, but if you must, proceed with caution. Anytime you may have to see the person again on a day-to-day basis, it will be difficult. Not to be a cynic, but relationships fail and then the aftermath could be more than just avoiding their calls or ducking their gaze – it could be having to move. But, you should play break-up chicken and see who gives up and moves first because you know you’re not getting your deposit back after the Great S’more Disaster of 2010.

So, in summary, when it comes to neighbors, it’s really just 6 words of advice: “Be unobtrusive and polite, but detached.” Or “Mind your own fucking business, please.” You know, whichever.

I think it's a good sign that I have the proper relationship with my neighbors when only one of them JUST noticed that I'm blonde now.

Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols: