Today was pretty terrible. It was okay as far as Mondays go, but not great overall. Everything I tried to accomplish at work today was thwarted by something. I didn’t have a driver installed for the printer that I needed to actually print to. I did something for someone that wasn’t actually necessary. I spent 2 hours working off the wrong version of a document. Needless to say, today was just the pits (is it 1955? Because I’m positive that people haven’t used that expression since the Eisenhower administration).
As if all of that wasn’t bad enough, I’m living with the horrible truth that I’m not what I thought I was. Yesterday, much to my dismay, I found out that I’m only 5’8. This revelation fills me with mixed emotions. I am terrified because this means that my body mass index math is completely off and I may actually be really fat. However, this also means that my chances of landing a fellow taller than me just got much more realistic. BUT WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?! HOW DID I SHRINK?
I feel like I’m Lily Tomlin from The Incredible Shrinking Woman, but I doubt that anyone reading this actually remembers that movie. She was a brunette, so I can’t really make any sort of correlation between being BLONDE and shrinking, but considering that I’m basing this solely on the casting of a 30-year-old movie, I guess there is some wiggle room in my theory. The BLONDE could have caused me to shrink. The Incredible Shrinking Woman was exposed to chemicals or something to make her shrink, so perhaps the various bleaches, toners, and conditioners that I’ve put on my head have absorbed into the follicles and into my skin and bloodstream and have made me into some (hopefully cooler) version of Ant-Man. Somehow I doubt it.
I have also considered that my bone density may be lacking. That’s a thing, right? Perhaps my bones are getting smaller. I don’t drink milk because I think it’s weird that we’re adult mammals who consume milk of another mammal. It’s just gross. I have also considered my posture. I have terrible posture, but this has always been true. Perhaps years of poor posture has made me shorter. What if I have early-onset osteoporosis? Is that a thing? I’m not really too concerns about this, but it is alarming to realize that you’re GETTING SHORTER. Mostly, when you’re a kid, you’re excited to discover that you’re taller. It’s like a physical signifier that time is passing and your life is progressing. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN? I may need to track down a medieval rack. Maybe I’ll check craigslist.
Today gets 1 sad, short, shrinking Barbie Warhol: 
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