Day 68

BRASS = BAD

During these brief 68 days of being a blonde, I have met a new enemy: BRASSINESS. Going from red to blonde can be difficult because you have to get all the red tones out of your hair (OBVI), but this usually leads to orangey-brassy tones popping up in your blonde ‘do ruining everything. Anyone can be plagued by the dreaded BRASS, but I think that I am more prone to it than brunettes because my hair is red. At the moment, I am doing a very unnatural thing by forcing my hair to deny its true self; I can’t really blame it for wanting to cling to its roots. Get it? ROOTS? And I’m talking about hair? No? Okay…

Please do not be mistaken – hair color is a SCIENCE. I know that a lot of people think that cosmetology school is for girls who want to be Barbie or something, but I have complete respect for people who can concoct a hair color that actually turns out like it is supposed to. It’s a delicate balance and an understanding of the color wheel. If my hair tends to go orangey and brassy, you counter act that shit with blue and purple tones (because those are the colors opposite yellow and orange on the color wheel, duh). I hear these people having complete conversations about “10 volume” and “level 1 at the base, level 2 throughout.” It sounds like they’re military strategists planning their attack. Until, of course, you hear words like “cotton,” “ash,” and “blow out” and then you think they may be talking about volcanic activity in the Pacific.

Hair color is SERIOUS BUSINESS. I guess it should be, considering blondes today face one of the greatest threats we’ve seen: THE WRATH OF THE BRASS. There is a fine line between a sweet golden blonde and a fake, vomit-inducing brassy, yellowy mess. When I decided to go balls-to-the-wall platinum, I knew that I was incurring his wrath. It’s like I’m Kirk to brass’s Khan. I know I’ll eventually win (because I’ve seen that movie more than I should admit) because I’m fucking Captain Kirk in this scenario. Brass-Khan may have his really cool accent and way-too-open leather-like vest and his Tina Turner hair, but Blonde-Kirk has his excellent cadence, snazzy snappy-flap uniform, and his fortitude. Brass-Khan is clearly an attention whore with all that snap, crackle, and pop going on. Blonde-Kirk is much more rooted (get it?) in the real world of kicking ass and taking names.

"Really, Mo? You're comparing me to Tina Turner? And this vest is straight-up vintage Thundercats so you can SHUT IT."

Yes, I just went there with this analogy. I apologize for nothing.

So, I battle the brass about once every 6 weeks at the salon and there are little skirmishes in between. I use some weird purple shampoo and conditioner to help safeguard against invasions of the brass-ling hoard, but it’s kind of stressful to always be on guard against your own nature. I guess in the end, the ultimate battle is always with yourself. Whoa. So deep, like to my roots (okay, I’ll stop).

Today gets 4 Barbie Warhols: