Day 51

There were adventures aplenty today. I went to Amoeba with my friend E and we saw Belle Brigade perform. I hadn’t really realized that I had heard one of their songs, but I was delighted by their set and they had great energy. I bought their album and later discovered the lead duo are a) brother and sister and b) John Williams’ grandchildren. No wonder they’re talented. I had never been to an Amoeba in-store show and it was great. We were standing in the middle of the rock clearance section and I couldn’t help but take notice of the irony. I was listening to this up-and-coming band while surrounded by those who have gone by the wayside. Right in front of me was a Red Wanting Blue album for $1.99. I remember my sister being obsessed with that band when she was in high school. I had to pull myself back from the edge of my surreal indulgence.

I think “Losers” is my favorite track on their album thus far. It will most likely become some sort of anthem for me. The lyrics just really rang true for me. “There will always be someone better than you/ even if you’re the best/ so let’s stop the competition now/or we will both be losers” You can give it a listen here:

I think that the sentiment behind the song is an important one. We’ve been conditioned to always win the race, ace the test, and try to be popular. The more I live my life the more I realize that there will always be a hierarchy – it’s like a caste system that we will never escape, but it doesn’t have to be that way, does it? The more I do what I want, the more I don’t give a damn, but not in a bad, selfish way. I don’t really care if anyone reads this blog; I’m not necessarily writing it for you, I’m writing it for me. Not that I don’t enjoy your feedback, I’m just not solely motivated to do things because of if or how people will react. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, but I’ll go back to the standard “I don’t fucking care if you like it.”

We grabbed some grub at Happy Endings and then I came home. I was going through a box of blank cards I bought at the thrift store yesterday and I found that one had been half-written in. It was a love letter to someone named Cassandra. The photo and text below:

7.17.08

My Dearest Cassandra,

I love you.

With all my heart, I love you. When I close my eyes and imagine a perfect life, I see you standing next to me. Your smile, your voice, your scent, your spirit… Everything you are fills me with joy.

I have warm memories of the time we’ve spent together that will live in my soul forever. We’ve been so many wonderful places and done some amazing things. You have become a huge part of my life. A part of me.

I write these words to you because I want you to know how I truly feel. I want you to know that I’ve never felt this way with anyone else. I love you deeply, body and soul. I want to be with you, wherever you are.

I feel somewhat strange having this note in my possession. It’s not signed and it may have never found its way to Cassandra. Or it’s a rough draft and they ended up rewriting it and giving it to Cassandra and they lived happily ever after. This is L.A., so it could have easily been a discarded film prop. I don’t know what to do with it.

Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols: