Where I currently work, there are security guards. As I pass them I always wave. Sure, it’s a nice thing to do, but I also get a kick out of watching grown ups wave. I am also amused by the manner in which people choose to wave. My wave is unabashedly open-palmed and wild. It also amuses me when people just don’t wave back. Quit being jackasses and put your hand up.
Today, the last episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” aired. I didn’t watch it religiously, but I’ve always looked up to Oprah. I think that she truly embodies the ideal “if you believe it, you can achieve it.” She came from rural Mississippi to become one of, if not the most powerful person in the world. I like that I live in an era when a black woman can be on top, but I also hate that I live in an era when that is still considered to be outside the norm, you know? Even when Bridesmaids came out a couple weeks ago people were amazed that a female-driven comedy could be successful and actually funny. Apparently female-driven comedies are supposed to be dull and entirely full of PMS jokes.
Will the world be different without Oprah on TV everyday? Maybe. Who can tell at this point? I had always hoped that one day Oprah would select my yet-to-be-written novel for her book club. I selfishly hope that she keeps up with the book club so that this dream can come true, but you know, also to encourage literacy and all that jazz.
Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I have conversations in the bathroom mirror. This may make me insane, but if that is news to you, then you CLEARLY do not know me at all. I am insane and it’s really great to be out here on the funny farm – the air is so clean. But seriously, I have conversations in the mirror and they are usually with Oprah or Barbara Walters. It’s not that I thirst for fame or anything gross like that, it’s that they are really great interviewers. I imagine what I would be meeting with them to talk about, whether it’s achieving the most perfect liquid eyeliner application or winning the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m talking to them. Sometimes it’s just really great to get out of your cerebral self and just get silly with your imaginary Oprah. In case you still don't understand what I’m talking about, here are a few potential scenes from my life with Oprah:
Our forlorn protagonist enters the bathroom looking down at the floor. She approached the sink and looks into the mirror. She has a pimple on her chin that she picks and then stops and gives up. She gazes into the mirror.
“Mo, when was it that you first started drawing?”
“You know, Oprah, I can’t really remember. I always had a crayon in my hand or something. I think there are drawings of Yoda that I gave to my brother when I was young – maybe 3 or 4 years old. I don’t know. I have an alphabet book from Kindergarten that contains more pop culture references than an episode of ‘Glee’.”
“So you have always been creative?”
“Yes, I think so. My mom really encouraged me.”
“Well, I have to congratulate you on all of your success. These illustrations of famous works of art reinterpreted with dry macaroni noodles are really fantastic.”
“The idea just kind of came to me one day. I was staring at SpongeBob Squarepants on the front of the box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and I thought ‘Yes! Starry Night should be re-imagined with dry pasta!’ It was definitely a turning point.”
“And these worn edges make the work seem aged.”
“That was my cat’s contribution.”
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A young, vivacious blonde walks into the bathroom. As she approaches the mirror she unwraps a new lipstick. She moves her lips as she smoothes on the bright pink hue. She smacks her lips together and smiles.
“Mo, when did you know you wanted to work on movies?”
“Well, Oprah, as soon as I discovered that Star Wars was a movie, I decided that I wanted to be Princess Leia. When that didn’t work out, I decided it was time to go into the business of making pictures.”
“When did you first pick up a camera?”
“When I was 8 or 9, my sister and I made our first talk show. It was called ‘The Cool Show’ and it was essentially us sitting on the couch talking into the camera, pretending to host a morning talk show a la ‘Regis and Kathy Lee.’ Mom and Grandma were sitting off camera and would pretend to be callers. I can’t really remembered what we talked about, but I think it was essentially 30 minutes of my sister making fun of me while she kept unknowingly flashing her underwear to the camera. Needless to say, it was pure gold.”
“Your sister has kindly provided us with a clip…”
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A tired-looking 20-something walks into the bathroom and vomits into the toilet. As she pulls her hair out of her face, she stares into the deep abyss before her.
“On today’s show, we have a very special guest. Audience, please welcome MMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOONNDDDDIIIIEEEE!!!!”
“Thank you, Oprah for that wonderful welcome.”
“So, how are you doing?”
“I’m fantastic. I honestly can’t believe that I have a book on the New York Times Best Seller List. I never really thought I would ever do it.”
“But you did.”
“Yes, against all odds.”
“When you were writing this book, you were at rock bottom, weren’t you?”
“Oprah, I was. I had eaten some bad chicken and as I was vomiting I thought, ‘why did I eat that?’ It was really hard to be sick without anyone to take care of me.”
“Have you always been a solitary person?”
“I think so. I always had a vivid imagination, so even when I was alone, I never really felt lonely. But you know, sometimes pretending isn’t enough, you know?”
“And that’s where you got the inspiration for your book?”
“I imagined a world where imagination doesn’t exist and it was awful. It took me to a really dark place. But I transformed that negativity and used it as creativity. And now I’m with Oprah, so EVERYTHING IS GREAT!”
…. And SCENE!
These seem weird and pathetic, but they make me feel better. I hope that Oprah will always be in my delusions. Her sage wisdom and somewhat pandering questions often provoke great thoughts. Sometimes silly activities can lead to greatness. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself today. And everyday from now until forever. So wave back, you pompous sticks in the mud!
Today gets 3 Barbie Warhols: 
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