Today was the worst. Despite being hit on at the ticket counter, it was the worst flight ever. The Virgin America computer system was down, so it took twice as long to check in, and you couldn’t check in online. I had a hand-written baggage tag. It was totally retro. The guy at the counter asked, “Can I borrow something from you?” And I said, “What?” He smiles at me and responds, “You baby blue eyes.” I almost threw up in my mouth. I said, “I’ll fedex them to you when I’m done with them.” I’m sure that this was also because I was blonde. My blonde hair makes my blue eyes more apparent.
Anyway, it was all down hill from there. I was in an aisle seat. I despise aisle seats because your outside elbow gets him by the beverage cart and by every man, woman, and child who walks by. I despise aisle seats because people are always making you get up so they can go to the bathroom. There was a family seated in front of me: mom, dad, and two little girls. The daughters and the father were in the 3 seats in front of me and the mom was across the aisle. The girls were crying because they wanted to sit by their mom. The mom was already engrossed in an episode of Top Chef and passed the girls a bag of m&ms and then a bag of twizzlers. It’s like a bad accident that you can see coming, but can’t do anything about it.
Sure enough, shortly after take off, the little girl seated directly in front of me throws up – all over herself, the seat, and naturally…. my bag underneath her seat. The flight attendants were in a flurry to get it cleaned up and (hopefully) eradicate the smell of vomit so we didn’t have a Stand by Me-style barf-o-rama. The parents didn’t apologize or even help clean up very much. I had to get some moist naps from the flight attendant to get the vomit off my bag. Thank god it was my oil cloth bag that wipes clean. The vomit did, however, thoroughly soak through and ruin my beautiful prototype handmade luggage tag. I had to throw it out. After all the excitement, the parents went back to watching reality television (dad was watching Jersey Shore and mom had switched to Real Housewives of something or other) while their children fought loudly over the ipad. I mean screaming. It was atrocious.
As if that wasn’t enough to ruin your flight, the man next to me was a pain in the ass. He got up at least 8 times during a 5-hour flight. He tried to switch seats to a premium seat and was told he had to pay more money. Of course, after the whole vomit debacle, I finally get to sleep and he taps my shoulder to get up. Later, I decide to do some work on the plane, so I plug my laptop into one of the outlets under the seat. His knee keeps knocking it out of the socket. I finally give up and decide that this whole flight would be much more bearable if I’m unconscious, so I doze off, only to be woken up again by this asshole to ask me questions about Los Angeles. I have my headphones in and my hat over my eyes… there is no mistaking that I don’t want to be bothered.
WORST. FLIGHT. EVER. The blonde couldn’t save the day.
Today gets 1 Barbie Warhol:
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