I had a crush on Prince William. This is true. He was tall and British and, you know, he was a prince. What girl doesn’t want to be a princess? Then you grow up and realize things aren’t the way you thought they were. Being a princess totally involves wearing awesome dresses, but being a real princess is a far cry from being a Disney princess. There are responsibilities and media scrutiny. I remember Princess Diana being on the cover of the National Enquirer with a super close-up of her legs claiming she had cellulite. I’m pretty sure that every woman in the world is fighting the impossible battle with cellulite. Deal with it, world.
Kate Middleton will probably have a rough road ahead of her. Well, as rough as a new member of the monarchy can have it. I’ve seen King Ralph more times than I can count and I’ve learned a lot. So Kate, here’s my advice to you:
1. Don’t be afraid to go blonde. It’s changed my life for the better and I think that it could do the same for you. Always keep them guessing.
2. From what I’ve gathered about royalty, it’s not necessarily about crowns, it’s about hats! You should make sure that you have a variety of hats on hand for anything – meetings with diplomats, church services, beer runs. Also, you may not be aware of this, but the 90s are totally back, so you should rock the pork pie hat, the sunbonnet, and as many “Blossom” hats as you can find.
3. Your life is going to be under a microscope. The media will be looking for you to do something embarrassing or get caught with toilet paper on your shoe. You’ve experienced this a little bit, but you should probably start becoming a secret drinker so that you don’t care what they say when they eventually say it. I’m pretty sure in this day and age, if they can’t dig up dirt on you, they’ll fabricate it.
4. I think I read somewhere that you and Wills aren’t going to have servants at one of the houses you are going to inhabit. This is a mistake. You just eliminated jobs when the world is on the verge of collapse. And you eliminated jobs that make your life easier. They can do your dishes and your laundry? Are you crazy? Send them to my place; I’ll keep them busy!
5. You should always check your teeth after you eat.
6. Learn table manners from that scene in Pretty Woman. I’m not implying that you’re a hooker; I just think that scene is really informative and could help with any possible dinner-related problems.
7. You should watch King Ralph religiously. Peter O’Toole is a great teacher and I think that you could learn a lot about how royalty should interact with strippers.
8. You should get Wills some Rogaine. I really don’t know why it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe even get him into the Hair Club for Men.
9. This royal wedding stuff is CRAY-ZEEE. You should probably pop a Xanax now.
10. I would maybe have the royal nurse set you up with a catheter tomorrow. I think you’re probably going to be wearing a ridiculous dress and it will be impossible to pee. Nothing makes you feel the magic of your wedding day like the sensation of warm piss resting against your leg.
Godspeed, Kate.
Today gets 5 Barbie Warhols because I’m not under pressure like Kate Middleton:
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